Remarkably, I have only ten pet peeves, which is about 28 fewer than the average middle-aged American’s and 143 fewer than the average German’s. Here they are, ordered according to the extent to which they rankle me:
1. When able-bodied people use wheelchairs in airports, park in handicapped spots, or use carts to get around a supermarket.
2. Daylight Savings Time.
3. When fans do the wave when the home team is losing.
4. When people use direct-object pronouns as subjects, as in “Me and Cara went shopping.” (Would you ever say “Me went shopping?” Then don’t say “Me and Cara went shopping.”)
6. When people mechanically tell me to have a great day. (I’ll have whatever day I’m going to have, thank you very much. I would suggest instead “I appreciate that you spent money here because that keeps me employed” or “There’s a traffic jam on I-70 so you may want to take the local roads home” or “Sir, you need to zip up your fly.”)
7. Anyone who farts on an airplane. (I mean, come on now.We are strapped in all around you.)
8. Phrases like “It’s all good” and “No worries.” (Are you kidding? It’s never all good. And there are always worries.)
9. Whatever the person in front of me is doing when I’m driving.
10. Stupid national holidays based on things we have no need to celebrate anymore (e.g. Columbus Day, Labor Day), but no day off for Election Day.
And there you have it! My Ten Pet Peeves. It feels good to get them off my chest. And yes, I understand that these are very trivial matters, and there are far more important things to be angry about, like government subsidies to oil companies; teacher salaries; the fact that Supreme Court Justice Scalia gets all his “news” from talk radio and my students get theirs from Facebook; presidents who let Monsanto representatives determine our agricultural policies; CEO salaries that are hundreds of times higher than that of their employees; Congress sanctioning unjust wars that have cost taxpayers trillions of dollars (and have made about $40 billion for Halliburton); no increase in the minimum wage since 2009; our refusal to do anything about gun violence; only one banker indicted for the appalling rip-off of millions of Americans; the cancerous toxicity of the water at Camp Lejeune (and the Supreme Court’s ruling against our Marines and their families who were poisoned by it); food that contains pesticides in every bite; laws forbidding criticism of the meat industry; the haunting reality that our country has become an oligarchy instead of a democracy; and that galling gift shop at the 9/11 museum.
But remember, I called them pet peeves, not Shit That Really Pisses Me Off.
Feel free to add your own pet peeves in the Comments section below. And have a great day!
I liked your pet peeve, “Whatever the driver in front of me is doing.” So allow me to be more specific about driving pet peeves:
1. Drivers who use the left lane on the Interstate for cruising below the speed limit, supremely unaware of the law and too selfish to look in their rear-view mirror to notice the trouble they’re causing.
2. Truckers who cut you off with a sudden swerve into the left lane so they can pass the truck in front of them that’s going one mile an hour slower than they are–and then come to a hill that makes it impossible for them to pass.
3. Drivers who shoot by you going at least 10 mph faster than you are, pull into the right lane ahead of you, and then slow down, so that you end up having to pass them to maintain your speed.
4. Anyone texting in their car at any time, for any reason. These people are morons, and instead of weaving down the road they should just weave off it and put all of us out of our misery.
5. Drivers in front of me who slow down–even brake, amazingly enough–as they approach a green light, worried that it might turn yellow, and then, when it does turn yellow, they suddenly shoot forward through the intersection at the last second, while you’re left to stop at the now red light.
6. Drivers who drift aimlessly, then slow to a near halt, without any signal whatsoever, sometimes even stopping in the middle of the road–and then slowly start to turn or park or whatever the fuck it is they could have suggested by simply using their god-damn turn signal.
7. Drivers who leave you caught behind them on a one-lane winding country road for miles at a time while they go well under the speed limit, never recognizing that they could let you pass by simply moving onto the shoulder for a few seconds.
8. Drivers who don’t know how to turn their car–as in simply make a right-hand turn. They sweep over into the left lane to create more space–nearly killing people in the process–and then slowly, slowly, slowly turn their vehicle, as if rotating the steering wheel were as complicated as negotiating the Titanic through a sea of glaciers.
9. Drivers who won’t go into the intersection to make a left at a light, leaving you and everyone else stuck behind them because they’re too afraid to make a left without a protected arrow. Motherfuckers.
10. Drivers who do anything at all. They don’t belong on the road, which was made entirely for my benefit alone.
What have I left out?
I share EVERY ONE of these. 🙂 And I’m afraid #5 is my wife!!! And #10 cracked me up. Thanks, buddy.